I'm very
blessed. Let me just start with that.
I have a hard working, fun loving,
Christ-like husband who tells me that he
loves me and that I'm beautiful every single day and I believe him.
But I didn't always.
When we first
started dating and early in our marriage, heck , even up to just a couple of
years ago I would often brush off his compliments or more often even, I would
have a rebuttal for them. To give an example, here is how a conversation would
go (and sometimes still does if I'm not careful.) between us.
Husband: You look beautiful today,
Love. (Love is one of the only acceptable pet names for me. I hate pet names.)
Me: Yeah right. Do you see this
hair? Worked on it for 15 minutes and it still looks like a greasy bundle of
straw.
Husband: ……. so what's for dinner?
Over the course of our relationship I
have suffered from a severe chronic illness, a miscarriage, 2 full term pregnancies,
breastfeeding 2 children for a minimum of 9 months each , and my oldest child
being diagnosed with first food
allergies, then asthma, and finally ASD all within the first 2 years of his
life.
My weight and generally my self-esteem have fluctuated
with each and every one of these events and my Cuddle bear of a husband has
been there every step of the way telling me how beautiful I was, am, and will
continue to be to him.
Even when I was covered in blood, sweat,
tears or unmentionable horrors coming out of our children. Even before, during
and after giving birth. Even the numerous times I've been incredibly sick. Even
when I didn't act or feel beautiful he would tell me
"You are so beautiful. How did I get so blessed?"
I can't tell you how many times
I've told him he was full of you know what.
And one day I was convicted about
it.
I realized that my husband deserved
better than that from me. He deserved better than a wife who doubts him when he
says something that he feels is true, even if I may feel differently at times.
I am not beautiful to everyone. I never have
been and never will be. Everyone has their own preferences and definitions of
what beautiful is and it's impossible for every person in the world to fit
every other persons idea of beautiful and I'm okay with that because I'm
beautiful to my husband and that's enough for me.
I realized that if it wasn't good enough for me that I
was beautiful to my own husband then it would never be good enough.
He is the person
God gave me that I'm able to share my heart and soul with. He wants what I want
and cares for me more than all others in this life. I value his opinion above
anyone else in this whole entire world and yet I doubt him when he tells me he sees me as beautiful? How does that
work? I'll tell you, it doesn't.
I don't doubt him when he tells me that
he loves me or that I'm the best Mom for our boys, so it wouldn't make sense
for me to doubt him about this either.
So
I made a shift in my thinking. I made a conscious effort to say "Thank
you" instead of telling him he's full of it. I try harder to compliment
him in return.
I fail miserably
but I'm making an effort that I've never made before and it's gonna take time
to change a deeply embedded habit but I will continue to work towards being the
Christ centered woman that he deserves as his wife.
Thank you
Lord for this precious man of mine and help me continue to believe him when he
tells me I'm beautiful.
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